A NEW year, a new you. 2015 has already got its feet under the table and people are detoxing left, right and centre.
I’m already sick of those ads on television that try to spur you into getting fitter, faster, leaner and healthier. Personally, I don’t need a new year to make resolutions because, on a daily basis, I swear that I’m going to be different.
This is a dreadful testament to how I live my life, I know. But I also reckon that if I did finally give up smoking and drinking, my body would dissolve because I’m stuck together with toxins.
I’m also on the far side of 40 and so, this year, I resolve to be a better, nicer, healthier person. I can just visualise it now. Every morning, I’ll leap out of bed in a single bound, and not slumber ’til the last minute.
After a couple of laps around the house with the Hoover, I’ll run through a 15-minute workout before hopping into the shower. For breakfast, it’ll be green tea, porridge and kale.
In work, I’ll be super-efficient and get stuff done before everyone else. Every evening, there’ll be 5km runs in super-tight, yet flattering Lycra, while at night I’ll thumb through macrobiotic cook books. My family will notice the subtle changes, while colleagues will casually ask how I’ve achieved such a transformation. People will point at me in the streets as I whizz past them, marvelling at this new specimen.
Soon, I’ll be so clear-headed, fit and organised that I’ll be able to run Switzerland. Or Germany. Or some country that’s far more efficient than Ireland.
And so, deep breath, this is what 2015 is going to look like:
I must I must not
Stop smoking Start vaping
Drink liquidised spinach Drink Carlsberg
Start walking Sit on my arse all night
Read literature Watch Fair City
Be more tech savvy ‘Creep’ on Facebook
Learn to tweet Send illiterate texts
Listen Shout at my daughter
Travel to new places Get stuck
Find a man Take advice on same
Act promptly Fooster around
Learn the saxophone Download albums illegally
Wear make-up Wear woolly jumpers
Learn to wear heels Fall over
Flirt Make a fool of myself
Buy a new car Waste money
Eat five-a-day Drink five a day
‘Make an effort’ Write futile lists
So there you have it. Just watch me now …