Wednesday, January 14, 2015

A NEW year, a new you. 2015 has already got its feet under the table and people are detoxing left, right and centre.

I’m already sick of those ads on television that try to spur you into getting fitter, faster, leaner and healthier. Personally, I don’t need a new year to make resolutions because, on a daily basis, I swear that I’m going to be different.

This is a dreadful testament to how I live my life, I know. But I also reckon that if I did finally give up smoking and drinking, my body would dissolve because I’m stuck together with toxins.

I’m also on the far side of 40 and so, this year, I resolve to be a better, nicer, healthier person. I can just visualise it now. Every morning, I’ll leap out of bed in a single bound, and not slumber ’til the last minute.

After a couple of laps around the house with the Hoover, I’ll run through a 15-minute workout before hopping into the shower. For breakfast, it’ll be green tea, porridge and kale.

In work, I’ll be super-efficient and get stuff done before everyone else. Every evening, there’ll be 5km runs in super-tight, yet flattering Lycra, while at night I’ll thumb through macrobiotic cook books. My family will notice the subtle changes, while colleagues will casually ask how I’ve achieved such a transformation. People will point at me in the streets as I whizz past them, marvelling at this new specimen.

Soon, I’ll be so clear-headed, fit and organised that I’ll be able to run Switzerland. Or Germany. Or some country that’s far more efficient than Ireland.

And so, deep breath, this is what 2015 is going to look like:

I must                                                 I must not

Stop smoking                                       Start vaping

Drink liquidised spinach                       Drink Carlsberg

Start walking                                        Sit on my arse all night

Read literature                                      Watch Fair City

Be more tech savvy                               ‘Creep’ on Facebook

Learn to tweet                                      Send illiterate texts

Listen                                                   Shout at my daughter

Travel to new places                            Get stuck

Find a man                                           Take advice on same

Act promptly                                       Fooster around

Learn the saxophone                             Download albums illegally

Wear make-up                                      Wear woolly jumpers

Learn to wear heels                               Fall over

Flirt                                                     Make a fool of myself

Buy a new car                                       Waste money

Eat five-a-day                                       Drink five a day

‘Make an effort’                                   Write futile lists


So there you have it. Just watch me now …

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